From ThinkPad To iPad

When I left for college at the end of the summer of 2002, I took my mother’s IBM ThinkPad with me. She’d gotten it maybe three or four years before that, for her birthday. My father went out and bought the ThinkPad for her on his own, probably from a CompUSA, and while I don’t know this for absolute certain, I’m sure the rationale went something like this:

Look how small is it!
It’s a computer--that you can take--anywhere!
And look how small it is!

The defining feature of the ThinkPad for me was the completely unusable little red button—the TrackPoint—located in-between the G and H keys. God, was it awful. It was like a felt-covered hardened nipple. The ThinkPad was slow overall—I think it still ran Windows 95—and the strain that going to college in 2002 (Kazaa, AIM, et al) put on it was too much to handle. It crapped out right before winter break.

So what did I do? I saved up and got a Sony Vaio desktop after Christmas. Well, I didn’t actually save up—I hoarded my Christmas money and put the rest of the cost on one (or maybe several) of my newly-acquired credit cards. And that baby sung. The Vaio, not the credit card. It lasted for five years until my abuse finally put it down for the count. After a near-catastrophic lost-document incident with another machine, and tired in general of Windows and virus scans and Norton and McAfee, I made the switch to Apple.

So, why am I bringing all this up?

On Wednesday, Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad. In so many words, the iPad is a piece of glass that just happens to house a mutation of the iPhone OS, with some MacBook dashes thrown in for good measure. Unless you’ve been making mixtapes with Bin Laden, you’ve probably gotten some type of iPad explanation, so I’ll leave the basics out of an already too-long post.

What I want to get across is this:

The fact that the iPad is a reality, when less than a decade ago, I was still pounding away on an IBM ThinkPad running Windows 95, absolutely blows my mind. What’s followed in the 48 hours since the iPad unveiling has included plenty of opinions similar to mine. But there’s been an undeniable negative tone running through these last couple of days: about the name, about what it’s lacking—some have even already declared the iPad a failure.

I decided that for my own sanity, and maybe to attempt to provide a small sliver of enlightenment for others, I needed to work my way through three main questions:

I. What don’t I like about the iPad?
II. What do I like about the iPad?
III. Will I buy one?

And again, I must point out that I’m writing this without ever having seen an iPad in person, let alone touched one. I’m not smart enough to go through the SDK and make sense out of it. I’m going strictly off of what I’ve gleaned from all of the reporting that I’ve taken in, from all the messageboards and comment sections I’ve read, and from the Apple-sponsored videos I’ve watched.

*

I. What don’t I like about the iPad?

1. The keyboard

Apple has made its name by coming up with new and exceptional ways to achieve ordinary tasks. They’re fond of using the phrase, “You just do,” which usually tends to be the case. Unfortunately, a big virtual keyboard is the opposite of “you just do.” In almost all of the pictures and videos provided on how to “use” the iPad, the device is rested on the legs. I tried it with a couple of different items that are roughly the iPad’s size and there’s no way around it—it’s uncomfortable. As for laying it down on a table and typing, it just seems—not magical, which I wouldn’t normally be inclined to use to describe anything, but since Apple used the term, they get held to it. I really wanted to hold back on condemning the keyboard until I’d used one, but it’s left such a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn’t resist. And the fact that there looks to be a flood of 3rd party solutions to this (Griffin and Scosche) doesn’t change the fact that Apple either couldn’t or decided not to come up with a better way.

2. No multi-tasking

Now, I’ll admit, I’m conflicted on the issue of multi-tasking. I’ve got two issues that almost prevented me from even including multi-tasking as one of my dislikes. First, let me just say that I don’t buy this argument in the slightest:

“You mean I can’t listen to Pandora and write an e-mail? That’s bullshit!”

Spare me. You’ll be able to listen to music and perform other tasks at the same time quite easily on your iPad, just like you already can on your iPhone/iPod Touch—by using the iPod app. If you choose not to, that’s on you. The fact that I’ve spent ridiculous amounts of time and money purchasing, downloading, and arranging my music collection inclines me to use the iPod app, which I’m imagining is what Apple intended. I’m sick of hearing about Pandora and Slacker Radio and AOL Radio. I like my music collection—not what some logarithm thinks I will like.

Second—have you used an iPhone/iPod Touch before? You’re going to tell me that you need to get to your favorite Twitter app from the Facebook app faster than the 2-3 seconds it takes now? I multi-tasked on a Blackberry Storm—it wasn’t nearly that fast. And here’s another test to run—if you have an iPhone and don’t have Tweetie, get it. Start writing a tweet, stop, press the home button, open up Facebook, stalk for two minutes, close Facebook, and go back to Tweetie. What pops up? Yeah, go ahead, say it—the tweet you were writing, right how you left it. That’s called “full persistence.” Well-designed apps have it. Demand it of your favorite app developers.

But on the other hand—

Multi-tasking should have been included. I can’t argue the point; just provide alternatives, which isn’t the same thing. Battery-life is important, but it still doesn’t explain it away. Anybody who’s done even light research into jailbreaking their iPhone/iPod Touch will tell you that multi-tasking is completely possible in the iPhone OS, just not allowed. A good way to see the evidence of this is to open Mobile Safari and press the tabs icon. Or open up the Weather app. Compare what you’re looking at to the Palm Pre’s “cards” style of multi-tasking. Look familiar?

Apple, as much as I respect them, seems to be run by some stubborn SOB’s, and I think that flaw is showing through in this instance. What’s odd to me is that they didn’t even mention NOT having multi-tasking on Wednesday, which brings me to my next issue.

3. The iPad OS doesn’t seem—finished

I wouldn’t call it half-baked. More like three-quarters baked. Here are a couple of reasons that lead me to believe this:

As you can see, Apple pulled the iPad OS straight out of the iPhone. And as we all know, Apple is a company that is obsessed with the design elements of all of their products—right down to the packaging. Now, I don’t know Steve Jobs, but if I did, my first question for him after he stopped by to give me a private hands-on with the iPad would have been, “Steve—who forgot to stretch the slide to unlock, man?”

Seriously though, Apple, you must be kidding me. That beautiful, massive screen and the best unlock solution you could come up with was that tiny little slide-to-unlock? It goes together about as well as Rhianna and Chris Brown. It’s embarrassing, honestly. I’m thinking that Apple battled to get this thing ready for Wednesday and as they were making their initial to-do list, somebody said, “Look—we’re going to unlock the device ONCE during the keynote. We’ve got bigger fish to fry. We’ll fix it later.”

It’s worth pointing out that an unlock feature might not even be necessary on this type of device, but that’s an argument for another day.

Next:

Once you unlock the device, the above picture is what you’ll see. Now, everybody who spoke on Wednesday kept using one specific word: familiar. It’s a smart plan to sell the device--by harping on the fact that you already know how to use it. But I’m sorry, what looks to be about five hundred feet between those tiny little icons isn’t familiar in the slightest. Again—it’s embarrassing. It just looks—wrong.

Apple, I understand that you need to sell this to people without telling them that they need to repurchase their apps (on that note: if you think app developers are going to redesign their apps to fit both the iPhone/iPod Touch and the iPad, and just upgrade you for free, I’ve got a sometimes-injured Queens-based baseball team to sell you), but you need to come up with something better.

(And I believe that’s exactly what Apple plans to do. They got the OS 3.2 SDK--which also happens to be the next OS for the iPhone/iPod Touch--out to developers who are, as you read this, brainstorming, and upgrading, or both. The iPad won’t ship until April. The new iPhone OS is usually unveiled at the beginning of March. For the moment, both devices run basically the same OS. See where this is going? If not, read this.)

4. It’s the iPad 1G

The iPad is the first of it’s kind. From the comments that are starting to come out, now that people have had time to actually digest what they were shown, the iPad is literally like nothing we’ve seen before. Just as practice doesn’t really prepare athletes for the speed of a live game, testing a device while hiding under black cloaks, with the thing bolted to the table, can’t accurately simulate real world usage. Flaws, of both a software and hardware nature, are going to be discovered. For the most part, software flaws are fixable. Hardware flaws—not so much. The reality is that in a year or two, Apple is going to be able to make the iPad lighter, thinner, and higher-powered. Think about the difference between the 1st generation iPhone and the iPhone 3G—it was like night and day. Early adopters of the iPad will be burnt by this, just as early adopters of the iPhone were—it’s a fact. And with no contract to sign, the consumer will have less, if any, ground to stand on.

*

II. What do I like about the iPad?

1. It’s got history on its side

To all those trashing the iPad, may I remind you of the timeless phrase “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” The negative reaction to the iPad is alarmingly similar to the reaction to the 1st generation iPhone, as well as the 1st generation iPod. What we saw on Wednesday was the equivalent of a car before it’s been upholstered or painted. It had few polished apps to run and just as it’s the apps that make the iPhone great, apps will be what make the iPad great.

2. You haven’t actually, you know, used it

What’s funny is that most of the people declaring the iPad a failure have only, at the most, seen liveblog coverage of it. Just about every review I’ve read by people who were actually there have said the same thing: wait until you hold this thing. Watching Steve Jobs mosey around Safari and Phil Schiller make fake Pages projects in the new iWork is fun, but it’s boring, let’s face it. It’s the equivalent of holding up a picture of Santa Claus, pointing to it, and telling a child, “This guy right here—he’s magic.” What’s magic to the child is when he or she wakes up in the morning and there are presents under the tree and the milk and cookies are gone.

3. The name

Oh, man, I’ve been waiting for this. So let’s address the name. First of all, let me just put it out there—I. Love. The. Name. It’s simple, easy to say, and makes perfect sense in the context of the design of the apps and how the device will be used.

Now, I’d like to dispatch the naysayer categories one by one:

-Don’t even waste my time with this nonsense: “Hee hee—it reminds me of periods!” Male or female, if you associate every mention of the word “pad” with menstruation, my advice is not to give your money to Apple, but to put it towards something useful, like a therapist, because along the way, something happened to you and you should work that out. Seriously. And if you don't think my opinion is valid because I have a penis, read this.

-Next up—the complaint that “iPad sounds too much like iPod.” Explain to me how this is a bad thing. Go ahead. Because while I may not be a marketing expert, I am a common sense expert, and I don’t really see why Apple wouldn’t want to align their new product (iPod/iPhone/iPad--get it?) with a world-changing device that they've sold 220 million of since 2001. But that's just me.

-I also find the notion that people are making the decision of whether or not they will buy the iPad, or whether or not it will be successful, based only on the name, to be absolutely ridiculous. "Dipstick" is a funny word, but it doesn't stop me from checking my car's oil. And as it was pointed out here, "Wii" is a pretty stupid name for a gaming console, but it's done fairly well in the marketplace. But it’s possible that I’m the one who’s just out of touch with reality. I like to keep an open mind.

4. The price

I don’t think enough has been made of the fact that any way you cut it, the iPad isn’t just inexpensive, it’s downright cheap. Six models ranging from $500 to $830 isn’t just “aggressive pricing” as Phil Schiller put it—it’s monumental pricing.

(Serious aside: this is all relatively speaking, of course. I understand that $830 would be much better spent helping Haitian earthquake victims, but this isn’t the forum for that type of moral debate.)

The reality is that a 64gb 3G-enabled iPad doesn’t break $850.

Now THAT is magical.

5. The unfinished OS

I know—I hate it when people do this. It’s not exactly a cunning list-making/literary trick to include the same thing on my dislikes list AND my likes list, but I had to. On Wednesday, Apple showed us a (most likely) unfinished OS. That tells me that the iPad OS has room for improvement and that Apple recognizes that. Software updates aren’t the chore that they once were (especially when it comes to Apple produc—SLAM. SLAMSLAMSLAM. Sorry—sometimes the fanboy gets out of his cage and I have to hit him with his hammer). I like to know that my technology is breathable. The iPad can, and will, evolve over time.

6. iBooks

As a writer, I wasn’t surprised to see little of the iPad after-discussion focused on what I believe to be one of the biggest new features. But let me put it out there, loud-and-proud style:

I believe that iBooks will do for books and eReaders what the iTunes Store did for music and portable media players.

I assumed, along with everybody else, that eBooks would be one of the iPad’s purposes. I figured Apple would knock out some publishing agreements and add another dropdown menu in the iTunes Store.

Yeah, not so much.

An entirely separate store dedicated to just eBooks is amazing, both for the consumer and the industry. It shows a clear dedication to making the eBook aspect of the iPad a distinct selling point, not just another feature, and I, for one, am excited to see where they can take it.

As I write, I look at pictures of the iPad and I look at my messenger bag hanging in my office and I realize that the iPad is poised to replace my iPod, my lined notebook (well—), and the book I’m always carrying. Depending on the apps coming in the next few months, the iPad may even replace the MacBook I’m typing this post on. And that sort of brings me to my next point.

7. The iPad Uses

Here’s the rub—you can’t imagine all the uses yet because they don’t exist. It’s a very meta thought, I know, but it’s true. As I write, developers are imagining uses for the iPad that I won’t think of, you won’t think of, and that Apple didn’t even think of. Again—this will be what makes this device special.

8. This. Is. A. Piece. Of. Glass.

There’s a point in the Apple-produced iPad porno where Jony Ive, obviously trying to hold back a huge shit-eating grin, says, “The face of the product is pretty much defined by a single piece of multi-touch glass--and that's it.” And in that vein, I'd like to wax poetic for a minute:

I think that the biggest disappointment for me regarding the iPad unveil was the consumer reaction. And don’t get me wrong—I don’t expect everyone to want Apple products. I really don’t. But the vitriol that bubbled up to the surface was almost palatable. And a lot of it, I think, has to do with Twitter.

I love Twitter. But you can’t deny the virus that it has infected us with—the immediacy virus. Twitter has us valuing snap judgments, 140 character editorials, and mob logic. We want to know what people think right now, we want them to use letters instead of words whenever possible, and what we want to discuss the most is whatever is trendiest at the moment.

When I decided to comment on the iPad, I thought I would shoot for a Tuesday posting, since Tuesday has sort of become my new day to go live with new pieces. But I realized that if I let six (6!) days go by, I might as well not even write the post. Even now, I’m hoping that two days after won’t be too late.

Are we are all so desensitized to technology and progress and the evolution of our world that a piece of glass that has a computer inside of it fails to inspire awe?

It’s a piece of glass, people.

I’m just now coming to understand why my iMac doesn’t have a tower, and I consider myself a fairly-educated individual. When did it become necessary—required, almost—to sneer at the idea of “just a big iPhone?”

Just a big iPhone?

Have we become that cynical of a society?

I truly hope not—because when I'm forced ponder the notion that, on a societal level, we may not even be deserving of a device like the iPad, then we’re too close to losing it all.

*

There is so much to read right now about the iPad that I decided to get down some of my favorites:

-Apple iPad: Everything You Need To Know

This will fill you in on pretty much everything about the device. Gizmodo’s coverage ranges from the downright gushy to the over-the-top bashing for no reason other than the iPad screen doesn’t rise up and form a vagina for nerds, techies, and geeks to fuck (although that would give a whole new relevance to the name). Regardless, this is a great spot to get all the basic information.

-The iPad Big Picture
-Various and Assorted Thoughts and Observations Regarding the Just-Announced iPad

I’m a bit of a John Gruber slut, I admit it, but I think (as usual) he brings up some great and mostly un-discussed points.

-Why Apple Will Sell Millions of iPads in 2010

Got this via Jason Perlow, an admitted Apple-hater (or Apple products refuser, at the very least. And even he wants one, although he keeps referring to the iPad—in regards to it’s bulky 1.5 pounds—as a “brick,” which is mind-boggling, but I’ll take what I can get from him). The main point here is that people asking, “Should I get a Kindle” or “Should I get a netbook” will both have to give the iPad face time, and that more times than not, the iPad will win.

-Apple gives every other reader reason to be nervous with iPad

Andy Ihnatko is quickly becoming another must-read for me. Here's my favorite bit from his latest:

A little later this week I’ll have more to say about the iPad and what I learned at the Apple Event. Before today, my mantra was “Remember, the Apple tablet is still just a rumored device.” From today until its April ship date, the mantra is “Remember, few people on this planet have had more than an hour’s worth of stick time with one of these; it’s made from moonbeams and wishing dust.”

But I’m absolutely certain that a liquor store that’s within walking distance of any company who staked its future on a tablet or ereader costing $400 or more will have a very, very profitable couple of months.

*

III. Will I buy one?

My answer is complicated, or wordy, at least. If the iPad was available today, or even in a week or two, my answer would be a flat, “No.”

The apps don’t exist yet, the software doesn’t seem finished, I don’t have the extra cash on hand, and on a speculation note, the 4G iPhone stands to be a huge upgrade from the 3GS and I'm not 100% convinced yet that I won't be able to use my iPhone for most of what I'd use the iPad for, although I'm getting there.

But--

The iPad isn’t available for another three months (two, technically, but the 3G-enabled models are the only models I’m considering). In that time I expect the following to happen:

-I will save the money needed to buy the iPad.

-App developers will develop mind-blowing stuff to run on this thing.

-OS 4.0 will be finished and will most likely be unveiled in early March. About a month after that (see the connection?) it will be made available for the iPad (and the hopefully mind-blowing 4G iPhone—this shit never ends, I swear).

-I will salivate over the iPad for three freakin’ months.

Assuming all of that happens, I would say its 95% certain that I’ll take the plunge, 1st generation be-damned. If all of the above doesn’t happen, I’ll drop the likelihood of me buying the iPad down to 50% because waiting for the sure-to-come 2nd generation will seem that much more doable.

For now though, all I want to see is an end to the blind negativity towards the iPad. I just want people to wait until they’ve at least held it before condemning it.

For once, I want to be amazed by people appreciating innovation on a theoretical level, not a comparative level.

I want to see respect shown not to Apple, but to the fact that we're at a point in history when a piece of glass can be more than just a piece of glass.

From a historical perspective--the fact that I was tooling around on my mother's ThinkPad using that awful TrackPoint not even a decade ago--we owe it not to the iPad, but to ourselves.


More soon.

JS

Funeral For A Friend: The Imminent Death of the iPhone

“The roses in the window box have tilted to one side.
Everything about this house was born to grow and die.”

Sometimes when I'm at work, I forget what day it is. And that may be because of a lack of sleep, or a lack of coffee, or just general forgetfulness, but the reason it usually happens is because my job involves a lot of planning for the future. The majority of my work is done, not for projects happening today or tomorrow, but for events occurring six months-to-a-year down the road.

Nothing about this process excites me. I’m a results-oriented person. I like to plan, execute, sit back, and watch the results. I like the buzz one gets from seeing hard work come to fruition.

This leads me to believe, among other reasons, that even as much as I love gadgets, I would not enjoy working in the technology field. Technology is born to die, it’s that simple. As soon as something is released, a newer version is already in the works. We all know that old-school mentality about the value of a car depreciating $5000 as soon as you drive it off the lot. Well that’s nothing compared to what the technology field faces at the moment, as memory becomes cheaper and expectations grow larger.

It is with this logic in mind that I have come to understand that the iPhone, even as it sits untouched in it’s place of prominence in the technological landscape, is almost certainly facing it’s imminent death.

*

Above is the invitation that the media received yesterday for Apple’s upcoming event at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts on January 27th. Anybody with a pulse and a pair of tangled white earbuds thinks they know what the latest creation is: the fabled Apple tablet.

I’m not enough of an insider to make bold predictions about what the tablet will or will not be able to do. Nor am I tech-savvy enough to say what the chances are of the tablet containing an OLED screen or some type of mind-blowing interaction scheme. As a dedicated consumer, what I did decide was that I will not purchase the tablet unless it gives me the ability to do at least three things that I can’t accomplish on my iPhone and/or my MacBook. I can’t say what those things are—just that I can’t do them, or at the very least, I can’t do them easily, with any of my current mobile technology.

And up until a few days ago, I was firm in my resolution.

*

“Oh, it doesn’t seem a year ago to this very day.
You said, “I’m sorry, honey, if I don’t change the pace, I can’t face another day.”

I was sitting and talking with my friend Pete at lunch last week, and inevitably, the tablet came up. At this point, much to the chagrin of our friends and significant others, we’ve already investigated, debated, debugged, and are working our way through what the 2nd generation tablet should have in order to make up for what the 1st generation tablet was lacking. Even though, you know, it doesn’t exist yet.

We spend a lot of time debating the tablet. Since our conversations started, I've been part of the camp that feels it will be an over-sized iPod Touch, while Pete has been hoping for more of a stripped-down notebook, er, flatbook (for fuck’s sake, Apple, can’t you just release the name of this thing already?). My feeling is that Apple wants to go for the tweeners and the peekers—people who have seen and maybe even played with their friend’s iPhone or iPod Touch, but are just too scared to take the leap to the full leap to a MacBook or further.

On this particular day last week, Pete and I were debating what the tablet will have in terms of internet connectivity—Pete was arguing that some type of monthly data plan will be in play while I was firm in my belief that wi-fi would be the only option.

(Pete is also convinced that this data plan will be made available through Verizon, naturally, which then set us aflame with giddy joy thinking of the rumor-mongering that will ensue until the 4th generation iPhone is announced. If Apple is already in bed with Big Red, it would seem logical that the next step would be to put the best smartphone available on the best network, right? Right? I signed into my AT&T account just to see when my contract is up before realizing that everything we'd decided was nothing more than our imaginations gone wild. We’re both seeking professional help, don’t worry.)

Eventually, Pete said something very important:

I mean, I pay for the phone minutes in order to get my data plan.

I replied that I felt the same. Then I said:


Imagine if you could get a data plan for the iPod Touch?

And that’s when it hit me.

“Hey,” I said. “What if—oh my, God. Pete, I think I figured it out.”

*

On July 21st, Gizmodo’s Matt Buchanan reported on Apple’s Third Quarter financial results:

Details on the iPod decline: The drop in iPod sales was entirely limited to the "traditional MP3 players," the Classic, nano and shuffle. Apple says they expected this, saying it's "one of the reasons we developed the iPhone and iPod touch. We expect traditional MP3 players to decline over time as we cannibalize ourselves" with the iPhone and touch. Translation: Apple basically just said the traditional iPods are walking dinosaurs. To that point, the iPod touch actually grew 130 percent, making the sales decline of the other iPods that much more severe, since the 7 percent drop includes the touch. Also, Apple expects that trend to continue going into next quarter—more iPod touches, fewer regular iPods.

*

“I wonder if those changes have left a scar on you.
Like all the burning hoops of fire that you and I passed through.”

Here are the facts, or at the very least, somewhat provable opinions, as I see them:

-Netbooks are old news and Apple doesn’t do old news, so the tablet will have to be radically different (or at least give the appearance of being radically different) than a netbook.

-Apple has obviously struck gold with the iPhone/iPod Touch design principles and OS. They would be foolish to stray too far from either.

-It’s been reported far and wide that the tablet predates the iPhone in terms of Apple’s product development—supposedly the iPhone was actually was born from something the New York Times once referred to as the “Safari Pad.”

-On 1/13/10, The Boy Genius Report wrote that, "the tablet is basically an iPhone on steroids."

-Considering the rise, stability, and popularity of e-mail, instant messaging clients, text messaging, and social networking, using a telephone to interact with others is not only becoming decidedly unhip, it’s being noticeably phased-out of our everyday lives.

-Apple has to at least be aware of AT&T’s struggles to keep their network functioning with the strain the iPhone is currently putting on it. And up until now, we’ve all been searching for a way to beef up the network to handle the load, which would be the equivalent of improving the equipment used to drill for oil, rather than looking for alternatives to oil, and in the long run, getting the gas-guzzlers off the road. What if, instead of spending money to try and handle the load, it’s the load that needs to be lightened?

-With all of the recent failures by companies not named Apple to deliver an “iPhone killer," it has begun to be accepted that the only company that can build a true iPhone killer is--Apple.

*

How many people do you know who own an iPod Touch?

Do they call it their “iPod Touch?”

Or do they call it their “iTouch?”

*

The key to realizing what the tablet will/could/might do can be found on any iPhone screen.

Just as the iPod went from being a distinct, tangible device to a little orange icon, just another application, rather than a world-changing device, soon enough, so will the “Phone” function in the iPhone.

Oh, wait.

It already is.

Apple saw the writing on the wall even before they knew what they were writing, maybe even before the wall was built:

The phone is dying.

The recent price slashing by cell phone providers of unlimited voice plans is proof enough. It’s reminiscent of the frantic defibrillator attempts of medical personnel on a person in cardiac arrest.

On my iPhone, I have 79 applications installed. Do you know how many of them have anything to do with the phone capability of my iPhone?

One—the actual “Phone” app that brings up the traditional telephone interface.

Visual Voicemail is hit-or-miss on the AT&T network. Do you know why it never really bothers me, or why its inadequacy has never really been addressed?

Because I’ve got about ten other ways for people to get in contact with me that are all quicker, cheaper, and easily accessible.

Keep repeating:

I pay for the phone in order to get my data plan.

I wish I could get a data plan for my iPod Touch.

The tablet is basically an iPhone on steroids.

The only company that can build a true iPhone killer is Apple.

And it all becomes clear.

*

“You’re a bluebird on a telegraph line, I hope you’re happy now.
Well if the wind of change comes down your way girl, you’ll make it back somehow.”

On January 27th, Apple is going to announce—something. Signs point to some type of handheld flatscreen device, but the reality is that nobody knows for sure. The event itself was only officially announced about twenty-four hours ago.

One of the main reasons that Apple has become such a successful brand is that it follows the Wayne Gretzky logic of “skating to where the puck will go, not where it is at the moment.” As it stands right now, the iPhone is king. It’s taken some body blows from the Palm Pre and the Droid and the Nexus One and maybe even from the Storm 2, but it’s still on top.

But Apple knows that nothing gold can stay. If Apple waits to make its next move once the iPhone has finally been defeated, it will already be too late.

Much like the cannibalization that took place when Apple reduced their era-defining iPod to just another application on multiple black screens full of them, on January 27th, Apple will look to do the same thing to the iPhone.

iPhone and iPod Touch users, I’d like to conduct an experiment. Scroll through your application screens. Imagine all of your favorite apps on a high resolution screen that’s about four times the size of the one you’re looking at. Imagine them working faster, more efficiently. Imagine your movies and TV shows. All the games you’ve become so attached to. Imagine enhanced content from your favorite newspapers, magazines, and books. Imagine Facebook. Imagine Skype. Imagine SMS and MMS-style threaded conversations. Imagine video streaming apps and photo manipulation programs. Imagine paying half of what you pay now for all of it.

Now think about what I didn’t mention—and tell me—until I pointed it out, did you even think twice about it not being there?

*

If for some reason you can’t follow along online, I’ll let you know what is finally unveiled by Steve Jobs at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts on January 27th.

I can’t promise that I know what it will be, but I can promise you this:

When I tell you, we probably won’t be talking on the phone.


More soon.

JS

Momofuku Milk Bar: Where New Year’s Resolutions Go To Die

I went to the gym last Monday, January 4th, and I couldn’t use “my” stationary bike. I say that it’s mine because it’s the same bike that I use at the same time, just about every day of the week. It’s the one that’s right under a ventilation duct and it’s lined up so that I don’t strain my neck watching one of the wall-mounted TV’s. I couldn’t use it Monday because there were about ten or fifteen people in the gym who aren’t usually there.

Why?

New Year’s resolutions.

It’s that time of year again, I guess. I’ve never been one for resolutions (sweeping generalizations-turned-promises made to yourself never end well), but if you are one of those people who declares a War on Ass Fat each New Year, do yourself a favor—don’t go to Momofuku Milk Bar.

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Located on 2nd Ave. between 12th and 13th street, Milk Bar is part of David Chang’s Momofuku empire. With Christina Tosi at the helm, Milk Bar is delivering some of the most imaginative, tasty, downright insane desserts available today.

Danielle and I went this weekend—a cold, windy Saturday—to experience the spectacle firsthand after salivating over the menu for a day or three. We spent a lot of money (more than we normally would on desserts, at least), took in too many calories, and documented the whole thing with my new Canon S90.

Here are the results (click all the photos for higher resolution images):

As you can see from the menu, there are plenty of options—soft serve (flavors change monthly), flavored milks, milkshakes, cookies, cakes, pies, breads, specialty spreads and drinks.

*Cue the divine intervention noise.*

There isn’t much in turns of motif at Milk Bar—and that’s fine with me. The most beautiful thing in the room is the food. Some bar tables to hold the Sriracha for your pork buns, free tap water, and TV On The Radio playing the role of muzak. Stainless-steel-meets-spruced-up-storage-room is what I would call it. And it works.

I wound up taking a bunch of shots of the Milk Bar packaging. I love the Momofuku peach logo, and I love how understated it is on their bags and cake boxes.

Pork buns? In a bakery? Before you even ask, I’ll answer it this way—because he can. David Chang’s pork buns are well-known and well-reviewed and now I understand why. We had two orders—one while we decided what to get and another because—well, they are just that amazing. $9 for a deuce is a little pricey (at the same time, three would have been a bargain), but completely worth it as far as I’m concerned. As Danielle said, “I could eat fifty of these.”

The Cinnamon Bun Pie came next. We ate it there because they served it warm. Remember those Cinnabon cinnamon rolls? Corporate? Oversized? Soulless? Well, forget them, because Cinnamon Bun Pie is much, much better. I love how the slightly bready back end of the slice mimics the “normal” cinnamon roll layout.

Oh, Crack Pie. This is one of the desserts that everyone brings up when you mention Milk Bar. I will admit that the hype built it up just a bit too much for me, but it was still really good. Damn good, actually. Think chess pie, but a bit different, or maybe even a light corn syrup-only pecan pie, but without the pecans. The star here is the crust, which is perfect and crunchy and I’d like to be baked in it when I pass on, please.

At this point, we headed back to the Bronx (although we did have a cookie in the car) to deliver some of the goods to my brother and mother. Mike requested one of Milk Bar’s flavored milks, specifically “Cereal Milk,” which they make by letting toasted Corn Flakes sit in local, organic milk. After the soak, it is strained through a chinoise and salt and sugar are added. It’s—flavorful, that’s for sure. It is an exact replica of milk that, you know, had cereal in it. Except more so. If this is your thing (it’s not mine, I admit) you will love it. My brother talked about it for twenty four hours, I swear.

Then there was the Compost Cookie, another Milk Bar favorite. On the menu it’s listed as having, “pretzels, potato chips, coffee grounds, oats, butterscotch chips, and chocolate chips” in it and I can attest to the presence of all of those ingredients. Milk Bar’s cookies are a different breed of cookie—deceptively heavy, very crispy on the outside, very soft on the inside, and very naked in terms of flavor—there is no doubt that the cookie was made with sugar, butter, and eggs, even with all of the junk poking out of it (and I use junk here as a very positive term). There is so much junk, in fact, that all the cookies have humps in the middle, my guess being that they were not able to hold their own weight during the cooking process.

We also got the Cornflake-Chocolate Chip-Marshmallow Cookie. Again, awesome. Again, not as light as I thought it would be, but in a good way. It definitely had oats in it, which was a nice textural change.

The Candy Bar Pie is a spin on Hershey’s Take 5 bar. What I liked the most about it was the separation of layers—it wasn’t just a mush of ingredients. Again, another amazing crust. My mother loved this.

If there was one disappointment for me, and Danielle too, it was the Chocolate Malt Cake. And I wouldn’t even say it was a disappointment; it just wasn’t as exceptional as everything else. The cake’s filling and charred marshmallows were good, but neither element could hide the dry, crumbly cake which was difficult to get out of the box in one piece.

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Please, be sure to head here for the gallery of all the pictures I took.

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In a world filled with dime-a-dozen designer cupcake slingers, It comes down to three questions:

Are the desserts at Milk Bar outrageous? Yes.

Are they delicious? Yes.

Can you go to any bakery and get the same fare? No.

For me, that pretty much says it all.

And there’s so much more at Milk Bar to try (we spent about $70, by the way)—more cookies, more cakes, breads, and soft serve. Not to mention the rest of the Momofuku empire—Noodle Bar, Ssam Bar, and Ko.

But be sure to get to Milk Bar soon, and please, let me know how it goes. For that matter, let me know before you go so I can come with.

Unless, of course, you’ve got New Year’s resolutions to worry about, in which case I would recommend staying as far away from Milk Bar as possible.

But if you’re weak and still go, please, stay off my bike at the gym, okay?


More soon.

JS

(Some background information for this review was taken from Wikipedia, Momofuku, and Eat Me Daily.)

The Internet Was Invented For AutoTune

Right now, YouTube is full-up with autotuned-videos, some good ones too, so naturally, it takes a lot to stand out in such a robotic, chorus-saturated crowd.

Enter DJ Steve Porter.

You can read his Wikipedia page here for all the background stuff (add him on Twitter and Facebook), but for me, all that needs to be known is that he's the creator of multiple instances of genius.

My personal favorites are "Press Hop" and "Rollins vs. Viking" and of course "Slap Chop Rap."

The list goes on.

This morning, I woke up to find that Porter outdid himself once again. I can't express to you how much I love what you're about to see. Really. I've watched it probably ten times already today. I want Porter at my wedding.

Somebody make that happen, okay?

Anyway, I'd like to present "You Play To Win The Game":



I know.

I know--it's amazing. I love how JB mentions the Coors commercials, which are funny in their own right, but I'm sorry, this is way better. Be sure to watch it here in all its full-size glory.*

That's all for now. I just got a new camera, so be on the lookout for a photography binge and some related posts.

2010--the year of the unfinished novel.


More soon.

JS

*Video via Deadspin.