Scenario Two

If you follow me on Twitter, you've probably noticed that I've been on a three week Mad Men binge. I watched when it premiered in 2007 and quickly gave up. At that point, it just didn't keep my attention. But the hype never seemed to die down, and when I recently saw the first season on sale for $12, I thought I would give it another shot.

Best decision I've made, televison-wise, in a long time.

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On 17 January 2011, I tweeted:

"Watching Mad Men has allowed me to understand Sarah Palin. Every time I see one of her quotes, I hear Don Draper explaining it to her."

That thought came about because of this tweet by CNN's Political Ticker a few minutes earlier:

"Palin: 'I am not going to shut up' - http://bit.ly/hHZUZ6"

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Since my tweet, I've been unable to let go of that thought--what if Don Draper was advising Sarah Palin?

Scenario Two is my attempt to answer that question.

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(Sitting in Don Draper's office just one day after Gabrielle Giffords' shooting are Don Draper, Roger Sterling, and Sarah Palin. This is a post-meeting meeting. No smarmy interruptions from Pete Campbell. No artistic awkwardness from Sal Romano. Sarah wants "the facts, the meat separated from the pelt," as she has just put it.)

Sarah: So, boys, how are we going to fix this?

Roger: Lots of ice.

(Roger gets up and makes three drinks.)

Don: Sarah, you've got a problem.

Sarah: I sure do. There's a congresswoman near dead, and some civilians dead, and there's a mob of leftist lame-stream media lovers out there saying Sarah Palin, voice of the people, is to blame.

Roger: (speaking over his shoulder) Is it too soon to say that they've got you in their crosshairs?

Don: (lights a cigarette) Look, to a portion of the population, you're an American flag-wrapped mystic. Patriotism boiled down to its pure essence.

Sarah: You're darn tootin'.

Don: But there is another segment of society that views you as an incredibly disruptive force. A tornado of rhetoric.

Sarah: Communists. Socialists. Obama-lovers. History recessionists.

Roger: (hands out the drinks and sits down) Revisionists?

Sarah: (cuts her eyes at Roger) You ever see what happens when a Mama Grizzly gets corrected?

Don: (stubs out cigarette) My point is this--in politics, there will always be--division. You can either try your hardest to get your choir to sing louder. Or. You can switch the other choir's sheet music when they're not looking.

Sarah: Are you saying we should release some type of album or song?

Don: (lights a cigarette) Sarah, why are you telling me to shut up?

Sarah: I'm not telling you to shut up.

Don: (stubs out cigarette) Roger?

Roger: (feigns spilling some of his drink as he swallows) Did I just hear somebody tell Don to shut up? Nobody tells Don to shut up! I'm voting for Don because his voice is my voice and I sure as hell won't be silenced.

(Roger mimics voting for Don.)

Don: (turns to Sarah) There's no rule that says that you need to be told to shut up before you can say that you aren't going to shut up.

Sarah: …

Don: (lights a cigarette) The power of the American people lies in how and when we react. What we lack in our ability to be proactive, we make up for in our reactive skills. Your place in politics is clear--you're a reactionist. And good for you. People love that because that's what they are. You thrive off of the judgment of already-made decisions, just like the rest of us.

Roger: (standing at the bar again, shaking a cocktail shaker) The communists were proactive. Look where that got them.

Don: The American people don't want some slick, proactive, forward-thinking hero. Being proactive means thinking ahead. Thinking ahead means sitting down and listing all of the possible negative outcomes. Possible negative outcomes breed fear. Fear paralyzes.

Sarah: You ever see a Mama Grizzly paralyzed by fear?

Don: (stubs out cigarette) Exactly.

Roger: I once saw Marion Turnbow paralyzed by fear. But I had just dropped my pants. And this was after a bottle of scotch, so--

Don: When people vote, they don't vote on the issues or religion or flag burning's legality or the size of the deficit. They close the shade, stare up at the names, and think, "Yeah, I could have a beer with that guy." Women? They say, "In a moment of weakness? Sure, I would sleep with him."

Roger: Reagan? After a speech? For Christ's sake--I would have slept with him.

Don: (lights a cigarette) The way I see it, this all plays out in one of two ways. Scenario one--you admit you were wrong. You appear with babies of all races and do your best impersonation of--humble. You light some memorial candles. You donate a star in someone's name. And sure, maybe there will be some media coverage of how sincere you are, and how apparently there is a side of you that appears willing to--do the right thing, whatever that means.

Sarah: Humble?

Don: (stubs out cigarette) Then there's scenario two.

Roger: (rubbing his hands) He always saves the good stuff for scenario two.

Don: (lights a cigarette) You go out there and you tell them that the truth cannot be silenced. That freedom never takes a day off. That injustice is always lurking. And that you. Are not going. To shut up. Because the day that you shut up is the day that injustice strikes. The day you shut up is the day that freedom finally calls in sick. The truth? Raped and left for dead the day that you shut up.

Roger: (shaking his head and smiling) See what I mean?

Sarah: I still haven't heard who exactly is telling me to shut up. Because Mama Grizzlies--

Don: No one--is telling you to shut up. And that's exactly why you are going to respond, clear as day, that you are not going to shut up.

Roger: Everybody check your pockets.

Don: (stubs out cigarette)

Sarah: So that's it? I am not going to shut up?

Don: Never. Every time, that is what you'll say. I am not going to shut up. It will be physically impossible for you to shut up. You shutting up would be like a shark ceasing to move.

Sarah: Me shutting up would be like--a Mama Grizzly not fighting for her cubs!

Don: (half-mouthed smile)

Roger: (claps his hands together) All this telling someone to shut up talk--I need to call my wife.

(Everyone laughs. They all stand up and shake hands.)

Sarah: Mr. Draper, Mr. Sterling. A pleasure, as always.

Roger: Glad to have helped with this--momentary distraction.

Sarah: (raises her fist in the air) I am not going to shut up!

Roger: (points at her and winks) That'a girl. Just don't teach that to my daughter.

(Roger puts his arm around Sarah's shoulders and they both walk out.)

(Don falls back down into his chair, emotionally exhausted. He lights a cigarette and contemplatively looks at the wall across the room, on which a vintage map of the earth is hanging. The map's maker must have been quite the patriot, as the USA's landmass is totally out of proportion with the rest of the world. It is almost the same size as Africa. Don drags on his cigarette. The first jangly, reverb-soaked notes of Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" plays.)



(Cut to black.)

(The song continues to play.)

(The credits roll.)